Help Wanted – Mom by TNMM Editor

Long term commitment, team player needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic 24/7 home-based business environment. No experience necessary. Salary non-existent and non-negotiable. Benefits… up to you.  Position Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma… Background Candidates must possess excellent communication, organizational and teaching skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel is required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required as well as running errands on a consistent basis. Responsibilities Must be willing to be severely disliked, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.  NULL Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must have basic accounting and secretarial skills to pay bills, disperse allowances, screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple home and house-work projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next and frequently ignored completely. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include cooking, plus floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the employer’s facility. Tenure The rest of your life. Possibilities for advancement Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. Previous experience None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. Wages and compensation Get this! You pay them! Plus, offering them frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18, because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. Benefits While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, sick leave and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life— if you play your cards right


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